My madness is all the company I'll ever need.

Ricky Gervais.

So, Ricky Gervais is apparently in trouble for ‘Derek’, two days before the show has even been fucking aired. The article read that in the new show, his character Derek Noakes, is shown to be suffering from severe learning difficulties and that in depicting this in a comedy show, Gervais was mocking people with learning disabilities. Now I have only seen trailers and out-takes of this new show and I can say that this is total bollocks. You can tell in less than 5 minutes and if you have half a fucking brain that the character is not supposed to be seen as being disabled. He’s just a geek. The type of person we have all met. The ‘nerdy’,’ socially awkward under achiever’, that’s a bit down on his luck. Just because he isn’t the archetypical main character type that morons know and love, then all of a sudden he’s supposed to be disabled? Sorry, I don’t think so. I can say this without any sense of irony or sarcasm here, people who are genuinely offended simply just because they don’t get it are ‘mongs’!

Now maybe I am being a bit biased here. Not because I like Ricky Gervais, but simply because I fucking hate idiots.

Milkshake!!!!!!!

So last night we went on a quest for the elusive Edinburgh Milkshake. In actuality, it’s just a regular milkshake but y’know, in Edinburgh. So off we went. 70.9 miles from here to there. We noticed some pretty amazing fireworks while driving through Newton Mearns. Took us about 5 minutes before we realised what day it was. Passover. I don’t care that it commemorates the story of the Israelites being freed from slavery, we asked to go to their party and were denied! I would have played nice, honest :)

So we got to Edinburgh. Searched for over an hour before we finally achieved what we set out for. Got talking to some fucking hammered chick. She says my accent was funny and asked where we were from. So I told her where we were from and that we travelled 70 miles for milkshakes.

‘So yous twa came aw the way frae Glasgow just for milkshakes? That seems awfae stupid tae me.’

So I thought I’d wind her up a bit and told her that she just didn’t get manly needs. Like milkshakes. Or blow jobs. And that I was finished my milkshake. unimpressed is not the word. 

Thought we might as well check out the rest of the place. Saw the castle. Pretty amazing at night. Some incredible looking churches. Shame nobody lives there.

All in all, a good night. 

Today

Today was a pretty weird one. Went to work with a wee bit of hangover, nowhere near the worst I’ve ever had but by nowhere near the worst I’ve ever had. Nothing that couldn’t be handled by some Mountain Dew, Jolly Ranchers and a fist full of codeine. Opiates make everything better.

While at work, a junkie came in and says he wants me to serve him because ‘Ah’m no giein mah money tae that black Paki bastard’. So I told him that I wasn’t going to serve him either and to fuck off back to the gutter where he came from. To which he replied, ‘You’re gettin ripped ya racist prick! Gies yer managers number!’ So I gave him my own  number as the ‘black Paki bastard’ he was referring to was in fact my manager. The guy had some mad logic skills.

Well….

Yesterday we embarked on the Greenock mission. Didn’t exactly go like we’d planned as the guy was, for lack of a better term, an arrogant wank stain. I tried that blue Rockstar stuff. it reeks of yes.

Then we decided to go back to the concrete jungle full of retarded monkeys. Played an impromtu game of ‘chino’ in which we shouted at anyone wearing the ridiculous garment. Didn’t realise how many people wore those stupid fucking things.

My mate finally achieved her goal of getting a picture of herself in a police hat. Well done. And also in a floor length multicoloured number. 

Oh we got sweets. Really expensive amazing sweets!

We saw a dead junkie on the street. Naturally the best thing to do was to get a picture of it rather than get him help.

Then we had dinner which consisted of Jeager and beers by the dozen. Got stuck next to some creepy old guy on the train. Was really funny ripping the piss out of him.

I thought I’d end the night in the pub near my house. Fucking hell. Looking through my camera this morning was very strange. Boobs, booze and bodies everywhere.

Wonder what tonight will bring…..

Bit of early morning reading.

Stumbled on this.

‘…a hole is bored in her throat, her tongue is drawn back, down, and passed through it, ‘tis a comical effect, they broil her remaining breast, then, clutching a scalpel, the Duc thrusts his hand into her cunt and cuts through the partition dividing the anus from the vagina; he throws aside the scalpel, reintroduces his hand, rummaging about in her entrails, forces her to shit through her cunt.’

Good morning world.

Yeah…

 I think I really need to sleep. I have no switch for what I’m saying. I met a girl from uni an she said ‘looks like you’ve missed your chance, I’m in a relationship now.’ I said, a relationship? Look at you, the closest thing you’ve had to a relationship in the last year is a sticky threesome with Ben and Jerry! Don’t think she was best amused. She’s probably gonna go cut herself….a huge wedge of cake.

First

My first paid stand up gig tonight. After a hectic night of drink, drugs and other hedonistic activities, this should be fun…….

Can’t

Can’t actually believe its already halfway through the week and I’ve still not recovered from the weekend. Good news is, the weekend is almost upon us again!!

In the duration of the last week, I’ve found 3 completely empty bottles of Jack and an empty litre of vodka. 

Not to mention having to chuck out a pillow as I somehow managed to burst open stitches I don’t even remember why I needed them in the first place.

Here we go again…………